i just updated my iPod...including some old school Ray Boltz. what can i say? i think he's classic, back in the mullet days...right along with Carmen. if anyone know who i'm talking about, i'm amazed...seriously. these guys were my childhood though...right along with old school Petra. songs like "Grave Robber" and "Beyond Belief". i even remember the music video's for some of these...oh oh, and let's not forget Amy Grant. it's amazing how much songs stick with us through the years...i can hear something and tell you what season in life that song represents. some songs, they mark a period of time, and so many emotions and memories are connected to that song.

my work week is done, there's nothing on t.v....so i'm sitting in the light of a candle just relaxing to the fullest of my abilities. i have strict orders to relax, and considering my tmj that acts up especially when i'm under stress is doing just that...i should really try hard to relax. it seems that this tmj thing is a nurse condition. i mean, my jaw has been doing weird things for years...and a couple of months ago when i took my boards it was horrible, but i just thought i had issues. but since working on my unit i've talked to a couple people that have the same problem. one girl went to her dentist last week because her jaw was sore and she was worried she had a cavity...nope, tmj. if that soreness is tmj, i don't even want to know how bad mine is.

i have joined the Grey's Anatomy bandwagon. my best friend from college and her roomate watched it every Sunday night without fail...i went to bed because my Monday's were so early. after last night's episode, i'm stunned...and can't wait for Sunday night to come around. now...this is strange for me. i've been a hardcore ER watcher for years, except the year where my family didn't get basic channels like 2,4,7 which included NBC. so i wasn't easily bought by all the hype about this new medical drama. but...as all the good characters have long since left ER, i think i may switch over to Grey's. oh wait...i forgot what the ER season finale was about...i guess i'll probably watch the first episode of the year...

i have a beautiful open weekend ahead of me...and gosh i'm excited about it.
a weekend with nothing planned back in the AC annoyed me...this...this is wonderful.
the possibilities are endless.
and bright.

me. the iPod. some books. walks. star gazing...
it's going to be a good weekend. :)

why would i spend my life longing, for the day that it would end?
why would i spend my time pointing, to another man?
isn't that crazy?
how can i find hope in dying, with promises unseen?
how can i learn Your way is better, in everything i'm taught to be?
isn't that crazy?

i have not been called to the wisdom of this world
but to a God who is calling out to me
and even though the world may thing i'm losing touch with reality
it would be crazy to choose this world, over eternity

and if i boast, let me boast in filthy rags made clean
and if i glory, let me glory in my Savior's suffering
isn't that crazy?
and as i live this daily life, i trust You for everything
and i will only take a step, when i feel You leading me
isn't that crazy?

i have not been called to the wisdom of this world... 

"she is running, a hundred miles an hour...in the wrong direction
she is trying, but the canyon's ever widening in the depths of her cold heart
so she sets out on another misadventure just to find...she's another two years older
and she's three more steps behind..."

as i listened to Casting Crowns sing this song the other night under the stars at Kingdom Bound, it scared me how many people i know that are exactly this song...they are lost. dying. crying out in pain. in fear. bound by chains they can't see. people all around me. people i care for at work. people i talk to daily. people i grew up with. family. friends. strangers. neighbors.

does anybody hear her?
can anybody see?
does anybody even know she's going down today?
under the shadow of our steeple, with all the lost and lonely people
searching for the hope that's tucked away in you and me
does anybody hear her?
can anybody see?

the lost are all around us.
and sometimes, we get angry because they act like they're lost.
i know i do.
but that's exactly what they are, lost.
they don't need my judgements. they don't need my looks. they don't even need my sympathy.
they need His love...that i know. that i have.
they need Jesus. nothing more. nothing less.

if judgement looms under every steeple
if lofty glances from lofty people
who can't see past her scarlet letter
and we've never even met her...

i've been hurt.
for some reason, when people i love sin or turn away...i find myself feeling deeply hurt. not just annoyed or angry. true, deep, sorrowful pain. i used to react in anger, which then led people to hide the sin...to lie to me about it, which hurt even worse. it was so wrong of me...and sends a complete opposite picture of Jesus' reaction to sin. and for that, i am extremely sorry and ashamed. i am sorry. to those that i have wounded and pushed away, please, forgive me. i was wrong.

love is the only answer.
He is the only answer.

i love you.
with or without whatever it is that holds you. that binds you. that is tearing you down.
i love you without it.
i love you with it.

i love you.

Currently Watching Born into Brothels see related

yes, i am interupting my silence.

to say, there is so much more than us. than this.
than our luxery. than our small petty problems.

you must watch this movie if you haven't already.

...we speak to strongholds, be broken
powers of darkness, you have to flee
we speak to nations, the kingdom is coming near to you
we speak to you, be free...